I love Jay more than anything in the world.

Already, I have noticed, that love is everywhere. I did not come here for love. I did that, last year. Well I came to escape that feeling.

And now, I realize, that I really had love. I had the kind of love people dream of.

A girl at my dinner table was flipping out because her fiance was looking for tickets to Israel from Paris all day. And he called her to surprise her. And she went nuts. And another girl at the table said, wow, can you imagine what its like to love that much.

And I dont need to imagine. Cause I had it.
And now, Im in Israel, not here for love... and I want it.

Its so funny. I was not in love. For the entire last year. I had a nice boyfriend and nothing hit me in the heart. Nothing. I was rock solid. He was not it.

Maybe my heart had to heal, and now it has.

Cool. Maybe love is contaigous.

I need to hold on to what I want
I need to remember what I am doing here, because I will not be going anywhere anytime soon
I need to learn from everything I see, and do
And I need to keep the lessons I have learned with me at all times

And I need to stay true to myself. Even when others are teaching me "the way" to be. I need to remember that no one knows "the truth" because if they did, we would have seen mashiach by now. I need to remember that everyone, even the Rabbis, are on their own path. Just because someone is grown, does not make them an adult...

And I know that. Ive learned that. Ive learned how to chill out on people who are just "wrong". Ive learned to be compassionate, I have learned to admnit when I am wrong... Ive learned a lot. So now I just have to keep going... when I am done, I will know... and hopefully I will never be done.

My roommate situation will work out just fine. I will find the right teachers and classes to keep me spiritually elevated and learning at the same time. I will have the knowledge I seek. I will make close friends, and I will feel love. Everything will work out. And everything is exactly as it should be right now.

Thank God. Thank God that I have become the person I am now, and that I have the skills to get me through this situation now. Thank God, because I do not deserve all the blessings I have been given. And I have fallen so many times, and thank God I can learn from my mistakes and grow.

Please God, continue to give me inner strength. Please God keep my arms, ears, and eyes open. Please God, help me find what I am looking for, help me reach my potential, help me have the life I want, and need so badly.

Patience Tali. All good things will be yours.

Its a warm summer night in Jerusalem, and Im sitting on these dirty steps, over looking Har Nof, in the middle of the night, so I can pick up free-wireless.

You think thats a funny picture?

Imagine me lost in town, asking drugged out hippys to help me get home.

Or, better yet, walking with a group of 7 girls, leading them to the kotel on shabbat, telling them we are almost there, 6 miles later.

Or last night, with my cousin Davids wife, and baby...

WOW

Its a little lonely, and difficult to focus. I want to be in Tel Aviv, on the beach. I want to be in love. I want to have best friends. Last summer set the mark high. Last summer was amazing. I had such good friends here, and such amazing experiences at Jewel. Its amazing to be back, B'H. But at the same time, I cant help comparing it to last summer, and wanting more.

I want love.

I want the dream to come true. Im not excited by anyone I see here... they dont do it for me. I havent met anyone whos eyes I can look into and melt. And thats what I want. Now, and forever. And it almost seems stupid to be sitting at a mishrada, aka yeshiva, learning... when i can learn in the real world.

And at the same time, its like I have been waiting, forever, to be learning all day long in class with amazing Rabbis... about everything.

We had this amazing tfillah class the other night, and I was floored! My hands were in the air, I was so excited.

But I wonder can others relate?

It feels so dry, and dead. And I feel, exciting, and spiritual. Shabbat was more like a funeral. This is not how I do things. Maybe this place it TOO haredi for me. Maybe I need to go to the carlebach yeshiva. Maybe I need to go live in Nachlaot, or to the mo'idim moshav for some time.

I dont want to get mixed up with crazy hippies, but i need to be around people with some ruach, and theres none here...

Israel is still Israel, nothing has changed. The secular Israelis have more spirit and concern for others well being than the chasidim. A secular Israeli can give me directions and speak nicely to me, while a crazy religious fool will yell at me because I want give them tzedakah... after they asked me three times...

Its a crazy world. everything is upsides down.
I just want love. And so I will keep praying, on this huge mountain in Jerusalem, and HaShem will answer me, when it is the right time.

:)

I feel like dancing and singing, alone in my apartment. Sometimes no matter what is going on in reality, I am a silly silly goose. :) Im happy Im me.

Diana Miriam
Juniper
Rabbi Wenglin
Bloom Family
Amichai Family
Aish LA
Breskin Family, young and old ones
The Ferry Family
Daddy and Judy
Shanee
Michelle
Rebecca
Abby from work
Rena
Brandy
Rosi
San Diego (cemetary & family)
LA (house)
Perlov Family

will add more later

OK, here we go... Im in Israel in 36 days. Its hot, and Im making a lot of friends. Im studying by day and exhausted by night Im reading up on the things that interest me. Im reading up on Judaism, on psychology, on matters related to femaleness. Once in a while, I go for yoga. Hopefully, at least consistently. Theres a treadmill Im used to running on... I hate it, but its better then running around in Har Nof - in a skirt. And when Im not exhausted, Im out and about. Im spending shabbats at Bat Ayin. I feel more connected to my creator when Im helping others, and when Im connected to people. Anything that has to do with the above mentioned topics makes me realize the holy miracle of life... and help me appreciate every living moment. Maybe I will quickly start teaching yoga, in English, for all of these English speakers who miss their trendy "home"... Im taking many photos and emailing them to David, and maybe he is helping me sell them, and Im paying him. And my paintings are all up on my site, for sale as well.

And, I will be looking into the future:

Doula Options:
Websites: www.DONA.org
www.dascdoulas.org
www.cappa.net
www.ALACE.org
and Jackie's, www.BirthRealm.com

Relationship/Sex Counseling
I will need a master’s or doctoral degree in any of the following areas: social work, psychology, marriage and family therapy, counseling or a related field. If the goal is to emerge a sex therapist, be sure to choose a graduate program that includes sexuality coursework and couple’s therapy training, and also can provide an appropriate field placement/internship/externship experience... and then specialize.

http://www.aasect.org/profession.asp#Considerations - get certification from this organization after completing the masters degree


Yoga teacher training--(This is my last choice, cause I can do this while I do things, so its not THAT exciting)

OK, good plan. But thats all I have for now. More ideas to come.

I sorta feel like I am getting a second chance.

We always say, if I knew then what I know now...

And now I do know. Thats amazing. So last night I tried to go back to then... knowing what I know now... and everything is different... and I feel so good. I feel in control of my life. For the first time in forever. Yes, I know what I want. Clarity. Clarity from a club. Wow. Hashem works in mysterious ways.

This is my second chance. Its not easy. No one said anything would be easy. But now I know. I know how men are. I know there a different kinds of men. And I know what I want. I have no idea how to get what I want. But I have a lot more knowledge now, then I ever did.

Who am I?

I tried to go back. Because I year ago, when I saw Idan Raichel.. I was SO happy. So I tried to outdo last years Tali.

And I won. For sure.

I went with Ilana, Adam, Bracha and her husband... and 5 million of their Israeli friends... and Noam and his (WIFE as of Wednesday!!!!) lady met us there... there, at the Kodak.

We were in ROW K, which made me dizzy... but we were together, and we were singing, and dancing, and we had such a good time...

HaBanot Nechama were there. OMG, last summer on galgalaz I fell in love, and they were even better is person... and funny.

Lee Chernotsky was there with his fiancee... and I just kept thinking how he was the last person I was with before Robert...

And then I realized, all the sudden, after 3 beers... that I was there by myself. Even though my sister was there somewhere, and I knew SO many people there, and I came with a big group... I was alone.

All my friends are coupled off. Some are married, and the otheres are engaged. And I am neither.
And while Chaim would marry me yesterday... well, I wouldnt. And I shouldnt. And I kept thinking about that.... and how life is not good, and happiness is not real unless you can share it with someone you love. And right now, I just dont. I dont love.

After Idan Raichel, I went with Noam and Mirit to see Infected Mushroom in Hollywood. That was another scene all together. We were so smooched, dancing was impossible... so I went outside.

And outside, I met people. And not in a fake way. No I actually made friends, in a calm, talking way. Girls and boys.

One guy, and I really struck up the conversation. He is cheating on his girlfriend. And his is unhappy. Then, I met another, whos wife left him a few months ago, and he sent her to Israel. He has 3 kids, and theyre with him now. He wants me to come visit him. He has a showroom on Doheney and something... we talked about money being superfluous.. and happiness being prime... and hes not happy either.

Who is happy?
Better yet, who, that goes to a club, is happy?

I had a good time, in general. But I dont know what my life is anymore. I have no idea.

I dont go to clubs, and I keep shabbat, and Im more modestly dressed than ever. I want to have fun. And I want big cock, but I want warm, caring, protective love with it.

Its a shame. Its a shame my heart is still hurting so much. Its a shame I cant give it to Chaim, when he deserves it most.

So the first guy, he drove me home finally. A real cutie, but a real idiot. After he tells me he is unhappy, and that he is cheating on his woman, he wants to come in, and he wants to kiss me. EwWWW.

I just felt bad for him. And I told him I appreciate the ride, but he should go. And Im lucky he did.

I dont know who I am, or what Im doing. But Im glad Im not doing retarded things like cheating. Life is messy as it is... Im glad Im FINALLY not the type of person who is going to make their miserable life worse.

Thats improvement.

Dear God, please help me. Im making big decisions, and Im not sure I should be allowed to.

Mommy, reassure me somehow, that before I know it, just around the bend... everything will be okay.

Universe, do you hear me? I need hope. I need a reason to keep truckin.